stress, parents, school

I feel so pressurized now. Don't know what to do now, I was filled with anger just now but now I've cooled down. I know my temper mgt is really bad, esp when I'm home and I tend to just shoot everything outta my mouth without thinking whenever I'm angry. And then whenever I think back, sometimes I find myself so stupid with all the words that I've said. Seriously speaking,I don't even know whether I'll be able t make it through year 1 of uni. I'm worried not because I'm not able to catch or anything like that. It's just that probably like what alot said, UOL is one of the top certs ard and am I going to be able to get a 2nd upper honours which I set myself to do before the start of sch? It is either I do very well and secured a 2nd upper honours or it's gonna be like shyt. People around me always tells me, "i believe u can do it" and things like that but I highly doubt myself. And I know it's not just about being smart will help but also 10times more hardworking than everyone around me. I'm trying to push myself to work hard now, I've self study on my own outside. I revise after lectures everyday. But I can't help having those neg thoughts swirling around me.

Another factor would be my parents. They make me feel so suffocated till I hardly can breathe. Yes, you can see me blog about me hanging out till as late as 5am sometimes. But that doesn't happen often, it's probably once a month when my dad happens to be away in M'sia that I've got the chance to hang out with my friends until so late. The point is that sometimes even for the whole week other than school, I don't go out and instead I'm home either doing up things due on hand, resting myself or having driving lessons. And when I just wanted to go for a late night movie with my friends after work on a saturday night, I was being scolded. I feel so WHAT THE FUCK can. The moment I asked, my mom goes "why you everytime hang out so late? How to tell your dad? Later he will scold. Everyday go out, I NEVER SEE YOU STUDY AT ALL" IT IS A EVERYTIME-QUARREL-LINE she will bring up! Like hello, I was probably only out once that week and she kp that I HAD BEEN OUT FOR THE WHOLE OF THE FUCKING WEEK! You tell me, will you be angry? I admit I did hang out till pretty late sometimes and I really felt bad, so I will probably not head out or hang out for the next few days or next one week. Everytime we fucking quarrel over this and she fucking say the same thing I NEVER SEE YOU STUDY. I do study but not at home! I know myself well, I can't study at home if I do I will end up watching tv, use my laptop or laze ard. Must I be like a primary school kid, get my books and assessments all laid out and study in front of them or maybe I need to be like what some parents do; they do up a timetable for their kids. It is also because of this factor that makes me feel like I do not wish to continue on anymore. I feel like giving up all these shit about studying now. They say things " I NEVER SEE YOU STUDY" is because both my sisters used to study at home when they were in their uni life. Probably to them, im too havoc for my age. Without fail, they always compare. Saying things like my sisters werent allow to be out till so late when they were 19 or when they were in uni, they were either at home studying or working. Here comes the part about job. They will start things like asking me to change my current job because it is just not good la, cause they want me to work in a bank and blah blah blah. Esp my dad, listens to what his so called friends say and everytime he will say things like go look for a bank admin job. They've the good intentions but that isn't what I want. I thought of what field I'd like to work in; events or marketing field. I'm someone bubbly and active, not someone who can sit behind the fucking computer and type for the fucking whole day. Just because my sis is working in a bank, they think that I should. It's obvious because they kept asking me to ask my sis for help to get a job in the bank. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. What the fuck is wrong with their thinking. I know they're my parents and they always want the best for me. But it just doesnt make sense that if I'm a uni student, i can't wear makeup to sch, I can't go out aft sch, i must go home straight aft sch, study in front of them. U know its suffocating me so much nowadays. I thought maybe it will get better if I just be quiet and not retaliate but I seriously can't take all these anymore. Even when I just wanted to go to meet my friends nearby my place, my mom is like " everytime meet friends, so many friends to meet." I dont know what is wrong with her la, she totally don understand what im feeling now. When I try to explain, she don't understand. Alot of things, I need to explain to her in chinese but sometimes somethings are too diff to translate. She can be very nice at times but then whenever we turn nasty on this issue, i really feel that she's so nasty and I dont know what she wants. I love my parents but then I dont know what they want from me. Sometimes its just difficult to be me.


I just don feel like talking to anyone at all. My mood sucks because of this. So suffocated.